Investigating the candy snake conspiracy

I’m blowing this case wide open.

J: yeah I dunno about the Govt hoarding snakes
Trisherino: only in candy form
Trisherino: someone in govt has to have them somewhere
J: I still have my doubts
J: that many candy snakes with so many sugar-loving pollies?
J: no way
Trisherino: see, they love sugar
Trisherino: but they still have candy snakes
Trisherino: they have a *limitless supply*

Still awaiting reply

Chief of Navy
Vice Admiral Russ Crane AO, CSM, RAN
C/- The Hon Stephen Smith MP
Minister for Defence
PO Box 6022
House of Representatives
Parliament House
Canberra ACT 2600

Dear Vice Admiral,

I’d just like to say how much I admire you as a bold leader of men with a love for the sea. Do you get much time to go diving these days? I guess you would spend a lot of time in Canberra, which isn’t really near to the ocean. I think that’s a little unfair. All things considered, I would think they would allow you to have meetings near the ocean on some kind of rotational basis. Maybe once a month you guys could nip up to Surfer’s for your discussions. I think it’s important to have environmental context in these pursuits. I imagine it would be easier to discuss matters of the sea with the waves lapping at your feet. If I were a seaman, or even a marine biologist, I probably would refuse to talk to anyone unless I was immersed in brine. That’s just the way I am – I stand by my principles.

As you’re probably well aware, these squabbles for land are just a precursor to territorial disputes over ocean. Once technology has advanced to the extent that oceans become habitable by the human population, it’s goodbye dolphins and hello Navy! I know you’ve probably got a few really good ideas yourself, so stop me if you’ve thought of this already, but I was thinking that it might be a good time now to start investing in some high-powered underwater drills to break through the biodomes. I saw a movie once where a guy used a frog and his innate wind power to break through a dome. I was thinking the same principle could be applied – wind energy plus some kind of frog-like water force. That way we’re utilising what we’ve already got.

Respectfully yours,
Trish

Awesome ideas

Submitted these to The Awesome Foundation. I sure hope I win!

Project Plankton
I like to describe myself as a “Marine entrepreneur”. Once I had to document all forms of life on a beach, and I came back with five stingrays. Sometimes it’s not about what people ask for, but about what they really want. ie stingrays.

So my idea is that we should harvest plankton for snack food. If it’s good enough for whales, it’s definitely good enough for us. That’s how whales became Kings of the Sea. If we want to similarly dominate the land, then it’s plankton ahoy.

We can buy some baleen off some whales who aren’t using it. Some people might call this taking advantage of the poor, but it’s not. You’re giving them money, and they can use that to buy things, like hot tubs and fast cars.

Then it’s just a matter of attaching the baleen to a boat of some kind and trawling the waters for plankton. We can package it in brine at first and sort out the details later.

How would you use the money?
To bribe whales

Littering for Snake Candy
Snakes: the final frontier. For centuries, man has pondered the humble snake and thought to himself “how can I make this more delicious?” That’s how snake candy was born. Snake candy, as we know, is essential to sustain life as we know it. But for 18 years now, the Australian government has been hoarding snake candy for its own nefarious purposes. It’s our job to stand up, as concerned citizens, and get our snake candy back.

I have decided that the most effective way to do this is to document all instances of littering within a 2 metre radius of a child in several prominent suburbs of Sydney. In this way, we can draw conclusive evidence of the impact that the visual act of littering has on the average child. From this evidence, we can lobby the government to give us more snake candy than we could ever dream of.

How would you use the money?
I guess we’ll need postage for all the letters we’ll be mailing to the government. And we’ll need to pay for sacks to hold all that snake candy once we get it.

The Poang Space Elevator
This one came to me in a dream that I was having, while I was asleep in IKEA. Did you know that IKEA poang chairs are made to professional quality standards and can withstand all kinds of pressure and stuff? Have you seen the thing where the thing presses on the chair and it does stuff? That’s what I’m talking about. That’s the future.

With careful engineering, the humble poang chair can be transformed into a working space elevator. Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of reaching the moon. Even before man existed, he still had his dreams, and they involved the moon, which also didn’t exist at the dawn of time. In 30 more years we won’t have enough food for everyone on Earth. That’s about when we’re going to have to start shipping our criminals off to another colony, like the Moon. We can call it New New Holland.

How would you use the money?
I will need about 1,100,000 poang chairs.

Mathchortle

Mathchortle: A rather geeky snorting laugh emitted when one has just heard a maths related joke. Eg, “a pizza of depth a and radius z has a volume of pi z z a”…

Things that might make you mathchortle, all via Juan Antonio Closque:

Expand:

Find X

A finite simple group (of order two)

Immortality

From: Lachlan Kuhn
To: Patricia Khoo
Date: 18 February 2011 17:46
Subject: Immortality

“If anybody can discover immortality, it is Lachlan Kuhn.”

To cheat death is a power that only one has achieved, but if we work together, I know that we can discover the secret.

Regards,
Lachlan

*Cries* I’m so inspired right now.

Wordalization

I like making up new words from other words when it’s probably completely needless. I feel like I’m mocking the inconsistency of the English language. Perhaps this is biting the hand that feeds me, but why wouldn’t you bite it when the hand of the English language is so very tasty?

For example if I can elaborate, why shouldn’t I be able to unelaborate? I reckon I can unelaborate by adding so much confusion to my original elaboration, such that all elaboration has been lost until my original meaning has been unelaborated down to a much smaller point.

I feel like the last point I made is inconsistent with my original justification. So I would like to unelaborate by saying that languageness, when applied to English, is just a destabilization of an already tenuous structure. That’s why I make up words.

Justificated.

It sort of worked

But now I might be able to sort out the URL shortening thing too. Perhaps this time I’ll come up with something that’s actually profound. Something about life.

Life is like a peanut. It grows underground and is all hairy on the outside. But sometimes…unusually tasty.

I heard today that peanuts aren’t nuts at all but are legumes. I don’t know if this is true. It seems to me like the entire vegetable classification is a bit confused. I have an idea, I’m just going to reclassify everything under one category. I call it food. Problem solved.

I wonder if I can blame this on my Danish heritage.

There has to be an easier way

(9:42:35 PM) Dewi: there has to be an easier way to contact your girlfriend than remoting in to the computer she’s watching TV on, and typing javascript into the address bar to pop up a message over the video
(9:44:02 PM) Dewi: the key is that it’s a modal dialog so she has to click “ok” to unpause the video